Characters:
Agent Fox Mulder
Agent Dana Scully
Agent Alex Krycek
Eric Cartman
Kenny McCormick
Kyle Broslofsky
Tenchi Masaki
Ryoko
Daria Morgendorfer
Jane Lane
Trent Lane
Quinn Morgendorfer
Regis Philbin
Cigarette-Smoking Man

REGIS: From New York City, it's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!" We've flown in 12 contestants from all over America and the rest of the universe to compete for one million dollars. Now let's meet our contestants!
(zoom to Mulder)
REGIS: From Washington, DC, Fox Mulder!
(X-Philes in audience roar)
(zoom to Scully)
REGIS: Also from Washington, DC, Dana Scully!
(X-Philes cheer even louder)
(zoom to Krycek)
REGIS: And yet another from our nation's capitol, Alex Krycek!
(X-Philes boo loudly; horny girls scream in delight)
(zoom to Cartman)
REGIS: From South Park, Colorado, Eric Cartman!
(South Park fans whoop)
CARTMAN: Sweeeet...
(zoom to Kenny)
REGIS: And another from South Park, Kenny McCormick!
(zoom to Kyle)
REGIS: And our final contestant from Colorado, Kyle Broflofsko!
KYLE: It's Broslofsky, ya stupid melvin!
(zoom to Tenchi)
REGIS: (ignoring Kyle) From the planet Jurai, Tenchi Masaki!
MULDER: (whispering to Scully) Scully! That boy is an alien!
SCULLY: (rolls her eyes) Oh, get off it Mulder. I doubt he helped abduct your sister.
(Mulder looks at Scully sullenly, pauses, and slaps her)
(zoom to Ryoko)
REGIS: From a cave in Japan, Ryokoooo... no last name given...!
RYOKO: Hissssss!!!
(zoom to Daria)
REGIS: From Lawndale, California, Daria Morgendorfer!
DARIA: (eyes drooped as usual; sarcasticly) Yay...
(zoom to Jane)
REGIS: Another student from Lawndale, California, Jane Lane!
JANE: (sarcasticly, with arms in the air) Woo hoo! I'm on the dork show...
(zoom to Quinn)
REGIS: Also from Lawndale, Quinn Morgendorfer!
QUINN: (all twitterpated) Ooooh, Regis...
(Regis winks at Quinn)
QUINN: (wrinkles her face) Eeeewww!!!
(zoom to Trent)
REGIS: And finally, from Lawndale, California, Trent Lane!
(music cresendoes)
REGIS: In order to take the hot seat, our contestants will have to win a fastest finger-
CARTMAN: Yeah yeah yeah, we've all seen the damn show! Just hurry up!
REGIS: Okay okay! Here's your question:

Put these bands in order from the most gay to the most straight:
A. Blink 182 B. *N Sync C. Garbage D. Backstreet Boys

(contestants register their answers)
REGIS: They go in this order: B., D., A., C. And the winner is.... Jane Lane!
(audience applauds as Jane approaches the hot seat)
CARTMAN: Hey! The Backstreet Boys are more gay than *N Sync!
SCULLY: No, little boy, it's been scientificly proven that *N Sync is more gay than the BSB.
CARTMAN: Hey! Respect mah authori-tah!!!
REGIS: Okay, Jane. I hear you excell in art at Lawndale High School?
JANE: (smugly) Well, I've doodled on the bathroom stall my fair share of times.
REGIS: Ooooookay... as you probably know-
JANE: (under breath) Yeah, like I'd ever watch this show to know...
REGIS: -You have fifteen questions to answer, and the fifth and tenth questions are safe havens, and three lifelines-
JANE: Let me guess, chainsaw, shotgun, and rusty dagger? (crosses fingers sarcasticly)
REGIS: Yeah, whatever. Okay, here's your first question:

Which of these is a vowel?
A. "K" B. "C" C. "U" D. "F"

JANE: What kind of a stupid question is that?
DARIA: (in background) Isn't that an expletive spelled backward?
REGIS: Er, uh... Jane what is your answer?
JANE: Duh! It's "C"!
MULDER: (in background) Psst! No, no! It's "A"!
SCULLY: You idiot, that's not an actual answer, it's what you use to reply.
CARTMAN: (to Mulder) Dude, I wouldn't let her bitch at me like that I'd be like "Hey! You get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!"
REGIS: (to Jane) Is that your final answer?
JANE: Yes.
REGIS: You got it, for one hundred dolla's!
JANE: (under breath) Woopie...
(three minutes later)
JANE: Man, are all those questions supposed to be so easy?
REGIS: Okay, Jane, for one million dollars:

How many quarters are in one dollar and twenty-five cents?
A. 7 B. 5 C. 4 D. Fiona Apple

REGIS: Jane, that's a toughy, wanna use a lifeline? You still have all three...
JANE: (banging her head on the computer) I think I will, just for the bitter irony of it all. Ask the weirdos who'd pay good money to come and see this crap.
REGIS: Alright, Ask The Audience it is.
(the poll reveals that most of the audience goes with "D")
JANE: Oh sweet bejeezus, the final answer is "C"!
REGIS: Oh, how about that, you're a millionaire!
(despite the triumphant music, the audience boos)
JANE: (shaking her fist) Yeah! So what if I didn't choose what you losers did! (storms offstage)
REGIS: Well, well, well. Oooookay, on to the next fastest finger question- question- question:
(Mulder and Scully look at Regis suspiciously, while Ryoko flashes the audience)
KRYCEK: (eyes pop out at Ryoko) Whoa, momma!
RYOKO: Whatdya think o' these, my man? (you know what she does next)
(Krycek jumps out of the seat and runs at Ryoko, while Tenchi draws his sword)
TENCHI: Aaaaaahg!! (stabs Krycek, and the ratboy falls to the ground and evaporates) Stay away from my woman!
RYOKO: Oh please, Tenchi, he was so much more sexier than you are.
(Tenchi mutters under his breath and returns to his seat)
MULDER: Wow, Ratboy had such a small part...
(Mulder and Scully turn to look at each other and pause, then break out in hysterical laughter)

Put these in order from least to greatest:
A. three inches B. the chance that O.J. did it C. Carson Daly's dick D. a centimeter

(contestants register their answers)
REGIS: And this is the order they go in: D., C., A., B. And the winner is... Dana Scully!
CARTMAN: Weak!
KYLE: Dude, that sucks, how come all the chicks are winning?
CARTMAN: (yelling at Scully) Hey! Get your bitchass out of that hotseat and get me a beer!
KENNY: Mmm dmm drnk brrr!
CARTMAN: Shut up, Kenny...
REGIS: Welcome to the hot-hot-hotseat, Agent Scully. You work for the FBI-I-I, do you n-n-not?
SCULLY: Uh, yes. Is there something wrong Mr. Philbin?
REGIS: (eyes glow red and voice deepens to a demonic tone) Why, y-y-yes, Agent Scully, there is!
(Regis jumps out of his seat and spins his head around on his neck, finally stopping it and tearing his face off, revealing a metallic skull)
DARIA: Well that's not something you see everyday.
(Jane walks onto the stage)
DARIA: Wanna watch from the audience?
JANE: Okay.
(they walk up to two empty seats in the back and sit down)
KYLE: Dude, that is totally f**ked up!
QUINN: Aaaaahhh!!!
TRENT: Whoa...
(Trent walks up and sits beside Daria)
TRENT: Hey.
DARIA: Hey.
TRENT: Regis Philbin is a robot. See?
DARIA: Yeah.
JANE: Screw this, let's go get some pizza.
TRENT: I'm up for that, let's beat this joint.
(Daria, Jane, and Trent leave)
QUINN: What about meeee? Wait! (runs screaming from the studio)
REGIS: (deep voice) I will now destroy you both, Agents Mulder and Scully! Then with you out of the way, the alien-human hybrid project can proceed and succeed!
SCULLY: (runs over to Mulder) Well, at least we know what this is all about.
MULDER: (arms crossed in sulky mood) Gee, Scully, you're actually seeing this with your own eyes but this time you actually believe it's happening? (sarcasticly puts his hands over his mouth) Oh my God! That's a first!
SCULLY: Mulder this really isn't the time to be discussing this...
REGIS: Silence! (arms and legs telescopicly extend, missile launchers start protruding from his arms and shoulders and the top of his head, while huge plasma guns appear from his sleeves) Prepare to die!
RYOKO: (pushes Tenchi out in front of the Regis-Bot) Go destroy that thing!
TENCHI: (looks up at the Regis-Bot, his knees knocking together, nervously clenching his sword handle) Eep!
(the Regis-Bot looks down at Tenchi, pauses, and then nukes him with a missile)
RYOKO: That wimp! Oh great, now I don't have anyone to go out with.
CSMAN: (from audience) Perfect. Everything is going perfectly to plan...
(Regis-Bot points all missile launchers and guns at Mulder and Scully)
MULDER: Well Scully, this is the end...
SCULLY: (grabs Mulder and pulls him to her) Kiss me, you fool!
(Mulder and Scully suck on each other, but Kenny runs out in front of them)
KENNY: Mmmmmmmmmm!!!
(the Regis-Bot looks down at him, and quickly melts him with a plasma gun)
KYLE: Oh my God! The robotic Regis Philbin killed Kenny! You basterds!
MULDER: Quick, Scully! (grabs her and dashes out of the way, barely missing a missile)
(Mulder and Scully draw their guns and start shooting at the Regis-Bot, but to no avail, until Mulder hits the robot's eye)
REGIS: Sight perceptor sensor penetrated! Malfunction! Malfunction! (staggers about, firing blindly into the audience, until he falls over a contestant seat and onto the Cigarette-Smoking Man)
CSMAN: Noooooooo!!! (is instantly crushed under the Regis-Bot)
SCULLY: Oh thank God.
CARTMAN: Oh, gawdamnit, now I don't get any money! Screw you guys, I'm going home! (waddles offstage)
MULDER: Now about that kiss... (grabs Scully and embraces her, and they ensue to a long drawn out- well, you get the picture)
KYLE: Sick dude! (runs offstage)
RYOKO: Oh well, I guess I- (stops and looks at the entrance to the studio, where Trent is standing)
TRENT: Uh, I think I left my wallet in the seat, oh wait, Regis Philbin crushed it. Oh well, I- (looks at Ryoko)
RYOKO: (walks over to Trent) Hey, I was wondering if, um- oh, screw it... (grabs Trent and pulls him into her bosom)
TRENT: These look fake.
RYOKO: (grins smugly) They're not. (wraps her arms around Trent and they drop to the floor and make out)
CSMAN: (whispering bitterly under the Regis-Bot) I'll be back, agents... uhhhhg.... Hey, who's the big-breasted chick on the floor? (the Regis-Bot shifts and crushes his head) Uhhhhhg...
QUINN: (walks in and sees Mulder and Scully kissing, Trent and Ryoko making out on the floor, and the audience either dead or gone) Ewwww!!!

THE END

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